variety of snack. It's all harmony and loveliness with everyone snuggled up together on the couch. At least, it's all harmony and loveliness once we've managed to select a movie.
Therein lies the problem.
The movie tastes of 5 year old boys, at least in my limited experience, are made of kung fu, bad guys, and great quests. This doesn't quite blend in with the 3 year old girl movie tastes for princesses, princesses, and princesses. Sometimes we can manage to find something for everyone, such as Mulan. But there are only so many times one can listen to Mushu's wisecracks without foaming at the mouth and threatening to hunt Eddie Murphy to the ends of the earth. (On a side note, if you've never seen Mulan, it's really a good movie. The first 672 times.)
This is the part where my parenting skills burst onto the scene.
"Of course we can have a movie night. I'll be picking the movie tonight, though." I say, while browsing Netflix.
"Movies for 5-7 year old", suggests Netflix. "Curious George, Mighty Ducks, Three Ninjas, Popeye and Friends"? Really Netflix? Really? But I guess I can't be too surprised. The other day Netflix informed me that I tend to enjoy "Dark Dramas Featuring a Strong Female Lead". Fair enough, Netflix. What do you suggest for me? "The Diary of Anne Frank".
Yea. Apparently Netflix hates me. Either I'll gag my way through a childrens' movie, or sob my way through Anne Frank. Surely there must be a better optio-
Blue Planet! I LOVE BLUE PLANET!
And just like that, the scene plays out before me. Our family, snuggled on the couch with vanilla chamomile tea and biscotti, the blue hue from my laptop illuminated the delighted faces of my two little future-Cousteaus! Behold, little children, behold the magic and wonder of our world! Marvel at the dark depths of the deep sea, the brilliant and bold colors of the coral reefs, the amazing design and diversity of aquatic life! Yes. Blue Planet, all the way!
So, after dinner, and with an hour to spare before bedtime, we settle in with our tea for some Blue Planet time. As the kids marvel over the enormous Blue Whale, and the adorable clownfish, I pat myself on the back for a job well done. Educational, visually captivating, gender inclusive, scientif-
"Maaaaama, why are those birds eating the turtle eggs?!"
"Well, that is what those birds need to eat to survive. It's okay though, many turtles will be hatched and they'll grow up. But some animals need to eat other animals. It's okay."
"Oh."
Phew, crisis averted. To make things even more smooth, they mercifully don't show the frenzied dash to the sea those tiny turtles will need to make once they hatch. I'm a grown woman with an understanding of the whole "circle of life" thing, but man! The second they're born they're under attack! Seagulls snatch them up, crabs crack their tiny little bodies in two, waves flip them over, leaving them helpless and fortheloveofgodsomebodyhelpthem!?!
Thankfully, we're spared this sorrow. I let my guard down. No turtle tragedy today! For the next 15 minutes we relaxed while watching and learning about currents, moon cycles, and fish breeding cycles (Sort of gross, actually. Gross, but NOT traumatic!) Then, the children went to bed filled with wonder and delight and joy.
Only not at all.
Everything was going according to plan, until the Killer Whales.
See, I'm part of the Free Willy generation. Killer Whales with a heart of gold and such! As a result of this, when the pod of Killer Whales began advancing on a mother Gray Whale and her newborn calf, I failed to realize the significance. Even the eerie music didn't give it away. I just sat there, assuming they'd all go leaping over some stone wall to the delighted shrieking of a prepubescent troublemaker-turned-herochild.
This actually looks like the most ferocious uppercut ever.
But of course not. Instead, they pummeled and drowned the tiny-but-still-enormous baby whale, ripping its flesh and spilling its blood in front of its horrified whale mommy. The narrator tugs at (read: yanks violently at) the heartstrings while relating every little detail of the attack, including how the mother feels about the whole her-baby-being-devoured-in-front-of-her issue.
Phoenix begins to sob. "This whole fing is about deffff! All every baby is getting deeeead!"
I try the previously effective tactic. "No, honey. Not every baby gets killed, but these whales are eating that whale because they need to, to keep themselves alive! It's okay."
"But now, having succeeded, they've eaten nothing more than its lower jaw and its tongue," says the smug narrator in his saucy English accent. Thanks. Jerk.
And just like that, the episode ends. The sobbing on the other hand doesn't.
I try explaining that sometimes nature is just this way. But it isn't bad! ... Nope, no dice. I try explaining that life is beautiful, but that every life comes to an end at some point and that's okay! ... Nope, made that way worse. I contemplate briefly trying to explain alignments like chaotic neutral and true neutral, but I refrain (that's a talk for another time!). Aha, idea bubble!
"Papa will read you a book before bed!"
Suddenly the baby whale slaughter is forgotten. Because nature, including the nature of a child's mind, is amazing.
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