Phoenix: "Mama, I'm a bird! I'm fapping! Fap, fap, fap, fap, fap! I'm a biiiiird!"
Me: *speechless*
Friday, April 6, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
You want a what?
"Mumma, I need to eat a hedgehog. Is it time yet?"
Phoenix is certainly an eccentric child, but this was a new level of where-did-I-go-so-wrong. She wants to eat a hedgehog.
My four year old is a monster.
Worst is, she apparently assumes there's some sort of appropriate "Hedgehog Devour-Hour". It's exactly like Happy Hour, but entirely different in every possible way. Is it time yet, Mom? Time to feast on what just might be the cutest, and least edible, critters on Earth?
No, child. It is not time. Long live the Hedgehog! Viva la Hedgolution!
"Phoenix, we don't eat Hedgehogs. We love them. People keep them as pets, just like how we have puppies. Some people have them as pets. We don't eat pets."
So there she sits. Baffled.
"But they aren't like puppies!" she says. Now she's getting upset.
"They aren't pets. They're for eeeeating!"
I begin mentality tallying how much money I'll need to put her into therapy. I decide it'll be more affordable to go for the fashionable Hannibal Lecter face mask, but less effective in the long run.
She hops off of her seat and darts into the kitchen. She begins rummaging through the fridge. A moment later she comes running back into the living room holding something in her hands. I'm about to tell her to go back into the kitchen to close the fridge door when she thrusts her hands toward my face.
"This is not a good pet." she tells me indignantly.
I look at the stuffed quahog in her hands. Realization dawns. Quahog!
Not hedgehog.
"You're half right, Phoenix." I tell her. "A quahog would make a terrible pet."
Once our quahog lunch was over I showed her some pictures of hedgehogs. Her enthusiastic squealing (EEEEE, they are the adorablest! EEEEE!) reassured me that I can go ahead and toss the Hannibal mask back into storage.
At least, until she's a teenager...
Phoenix is certainly an eccentric child, but this was a new level of where-did-I-go-so-wrong. She wants to eat a hedgehog.
My four year old is a monster.
Worst is, she apparently assumes there's some sort of appropriate "Hedgehog Devour-Hour". It's exactly like Happy Hour, but entirely different in every possible way. Is it time yet, Mom? Time to feast on what just might be the cutest, and least edible, critters on Earth?
No, child. It is not time. Long live the Hedgehog! Viva la Hedgolution!
"Phoenix, we don't eat Hedgehogs. We love them. People keep them as pets, just like how we have puppies. Some people have them as pets. We don't eat pets."
So there she sits. Baffled.
"But they aren't like puppies!" she says. Now she's getting upset.
"They aren't pets. They're for eeeeating!"
I begin mentality tallying how much money I'll need to put her into therapy. I decide it'll be more affordable to go for the fashionable Hannibal Lecter face mask, but less effective in the long run.
She hops off of her seat and darts into the kitchen. She begins rummaging through the fridge. A moment later she comes running back into the living room holding something in her hands. I'm about to tell her to go back into the kitchen to close the fridge door when she thrusts her hands toward my face.
"This is not a good pet." she tells me indignantly.
I look at the stuffed quahog in her hands. Realization dawns. Quahog!
Not hedgehog.
"You're half right, Phoenix." I tell her. "A quahog would make a terrible pet."
Once our quahog lunch was over I showed her some pictures of hedgehogs. Her enthusiastic squealing (EEEEE, they are the adorablest! EEEEE!) reassured me that I can go ahead and toss the Hannibal mask back into storage.
At least, until she's a teenager...
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
A fate worse than death.
I've been writing up this list of things worse than walking into a fresh cloud of dog fart while battling morning sickness.
Things Worse Than Walking Into a Dog Fart While Battling Morning Sickness:
I have yet to come up with a single thing. French kissing a piranha almost made that list.
Almost.
1.
2.
3.
2.
3.
I have yet to come up with a single thing. French kissing a piranha almost made that list.
Almost.
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