The "D" Word

Raising tiny humans into somewhat larger humans is a process full of hypothesis, theory, trial and error, and error, and error again. This is part of why it sucks.

See, being a parent is all the nonsense that Hollywood and Hallmark rave about. It is the glowing heart's warmth of holding your sleeping child. It's the fun of foam sword fights, watching Voltron in jammies on a Saturday morning, and playing on the playground toys without looking like a weirdo. It's the tender devotion of washing their peed on and/or hurled on bedding. Again. At 3am. And not even minding, just being glad that they'll have clean sheets again soon. It's the swell of pride when they learn to sit up, crawl, walk, talk, spell, not scratch their genitals in public, and say please without prompting at a restaurant. It is saying goodnight to your child after story time, whispering "I love you" even though they're sleeping, and hearing them mumble it sleepily back to you as you walk out of their room. Yes. Parenting is all of these things, and it is grand.

But that doesn't mean it doesn't suck. Sucking and being grand are not mutually exclusive. (Somehow I just made an unintentional hooker joke, and no, I'm not going to edit it.)

See, some things in life rely heavily on relevant, proven facts. Things like math and science, for example. These are comforting, reassuring, sensible. Do this, it results in that. Perfect! Facts and data are safe. Parenting is less like math and more like taking a freshman Introduction to Art class. With a schizophrenic instructor. Who is also a shark.

Parenting isn't about facts. Oh, sure! There are facts involved. There are the standard facts like, "Tiny human needs food, water, shelter, and air." and "Tiny humans are squishy but ought not be squished if continued survival is the goal." These are surely somewhere in some parenting books.

But the majority of the actual child rearing technique is largely a matter of debate. Some "experts" say that allowing your infant to "cry it out" alone in their crib teaches them essential self-soothing tactics. Other say that leaving your infant to "cry it out" teaches them that communicating their needs is futile. Some "experts" say that children should be encouraged to argue with their parents to learn critical negotiation skills, while others say that parents are responsible for maintaining strict pecking order to ensure the child's comfort and expectations within their environment.

As a brief aside, what makes a person an expert on raising children? As far as I can figure, you're no expert until you've raised at least 250, just for a reasonable sample size. And in the event that you have parented 250+ children, absolutely any parenting advice you have to offer is entirely null and void as you are clearly unhinged or too daft to maneuver a condom.

So parenting is an experiment without a clear procedure. Thoughtful parenting is just a lot of well-intentioned theories strung together. But the best laid plans of mice and men often result in swearing 3 year olds. Okay, maybe not often. But definitely sometimes.

I know that sometimes the greatest allure of something "bad" is its very badness. Because of this awareness, I developed the opinion early on in my parenting career that adults swearing should not be taboo, nor should sipping a beer with dinner, discussing touchy topics like sickness and death, or displaying (controlled) strong emotions like anger or sadness. It was my rationale that by living life in a normal adult fashion they would come to see this things a normal, and therefore not forbidden or desirable.

AND I WAS RIGHT!

Up until my 3 year old daughter called her father a douchebag.

Whaaaat? So then came the talk. "Children can do some things that adults cannot, right? Exactly. Well there are some things that adults can do that children cannot. Adults can swear. Children cannot. Sometimes adults are rude, but sometimes they are joking. Children must learn the difference. Children mustn't call people douchebags."

She took it well enough, but I felt like the words I said slightly erased some others I've said before. "It is okay to be angry, but use your words and not your hands." "Words only have the power we give them." "It is good to speak your mind."

I guess what I meant to say is, "It is good to speak your mind... unless at this exact moment you're thinking, 'My dad is being a total douchebag right now.'"

Parenting is difficult because you never really know for certain if you're doing it right. But I'm guessing that if she's not calling people D-bags for another decade or so, I can count that as a step in the right direction. I hope.